thoughts of the thoughtless

it's our retreat tomorrow.
i'm a bit sleepy now, i have to write 34 letters, and i have to wake up at 8 30.
i have thousands to do, but i am writing in this blog. and then i complain. total and abominable madness. i'm tired.

i'm ecstatic, i;m just making the most of my few moments wit my computer. my beloved computer..

im crazy now..
save me.

a life without...

i am in one of my more sentimental moods today. retreat is coming up this week, with galileo first from monday to wednesday, then us, from wednesday to friday (us being the missing section for the agape). i was wondering how copernicus would manage to come up with the things we actually need for agape when we are in tagaytay.

time's running out for me. within a month, teresa would be 16, in two months time, my mummy would be 39, allan would be 16, christmas would come up, vacation, and then another new year. then after that, another two months and it's my turn to be 16.

16. sweet sixteen they say.

it's funny the way i say i don't need a love life yet. i mean it, i really do. it's not something i wish for every night. for me, it's actually one of life's little luxuries in my opinion. your lucky if you have one, smile if you don't. sometimes, i can't figure out how two people found each other. well, lucky my parents. they always have this malambing mood about each other. despite the fact that they do end up quarreling at times, at least, they still have that feeling with themselves. me? i don't know.

i am actually afraid of loving. to love somebody and being loved by somebody. with loving somebody, i know i'd just cry quietly everytime i'm hurt. i am a suffer quitely (placido penitente). and i am afraid i could not actually give the same amount of love to the person who would love me.

sometimes i think i am not yet ready.
~~~~~~~~*****~~~~~~~~~~~~

everytime i see the shelter
everytime i walk away
you'r the laughter in my silence
the cold that feeds my day

there's more than a hundred reasons why i would miss DLA. i suddenly realized how each alumni kept coming back to DLA, it's actually missing the old familiar faces you see at the corridor, It's the feeling of familiarity, with other people easily recognizing each other, the most instant moment of just being with others. well, it is one of the main reasons why i would.

but of course, i would always miss everyone.

i would definitely miss my friends, the whole of fourth year this SY 2005-2006. i would miss every single one of them. our kalokohans, all the offenses and the way we all complement each other in the craziest and wildest ways most unimaginable. it is our batch. nothing could beat the feeling of that second family. it's a crowd of strangers who in years got to know each other better only to accept and love and of course, ipaglalaban nang patayan kung saka-sakaling may mananakit. my family at school. i would forever be grateful i belonged to this batch. i could not imagine myself otherwise. and teh fourth years, sticking it with you dude! no matter what! (hindi ko na iisa-isahin, baka abutin ako ng tanghali dito, 3am pa lang kasi, hindi pa rin ako tapos..)

but aside from all that, i have all the other people in other batches i would definitely miss having around.

Ampie. i surely could never find somebody out there who could be like ampie. yung babaeng sobra kong kaasaran sa service. she knows me. as in KNOWS. most of the time,what she says ends up being right. like the way she predicts things. especially with allan. it all ended up the way she had reluctantly told me. i am afraid of what she's saying about another guy.. this guy is more....... i don't know. there's something special about him. the way he takes his stand, even if his stand's something out of the norm. i love the mystery the transparency mixed with just a bit of opaque-ness (is this even a word?). there's the truth in his words, the lies in his eyes. the things he'd never share. the things we always talk about. and ampie says that what we have could be more that innocent. i could only laugh. she even told me, ate steph, wag kang magagalit sa mga sinasabi ko kapag isang araw nagkaroon siya ng ibang treatment sa 'yo ha. yong ibang-iba na talaga, iyon bang special na . well. i don't know.

Tope. the best guitarist i ever met. the way he plays the guitar, everytime i look at how he plays, his fingers moving effortlessly on the fingerboard, strumming the strings, him playing the guitar. it's like the guitar is his soul. there's this depth in him whenever i see him play. a certain depth. a certain thing. mystery. then he'd put the guitar down, and here comes the smiling and always caring guy i ever met. the way we talk and ened up in the farthest of all points from where we started the conversation. about ourselves for a while and then to drinking, to books, to math, to various things! the way he's super practical (which i really need to learn from), the way he knows how to deal with my barkada. he easily gets along with them. effortlessly. the way he hangs out with us and always get along iwth everybody in the group. the way he comforts me if something's troubling me, the way he asks me if he also has his problems. a friend. super encourager, the one who keeps me going if every thing is not ok. he one who knows my deeper secrets. one who makes you feel that being life is just this.

hezel ang mga tawanan sa service! ang mga walang kapararakan naming trip, ang pagiging dakilang mga taga-okray ng mg taong hindi nakakatuwa at patuloy na umiirita sa aming mga araw, lalo na sa hapon kung saan maraming mga batang nakakaaway si hez! paano ba naman kasi! ayaw niyang magbuhat! kalalaking tao (lalaki nga ba?!?! peace hez!) ayaw magbuhat! daig pa ng isang grade 3! ang pagtatapon ng basag ng itlog sa kalye at patuloy na pagkakalat. ang mga katuwaan namin sa iba't ibang trip namin sa buhay, un bang mapagtripan lang talaga. ang pagiging Harry Potter fanatic namin nila Ampie na wala na nga talagang pag-asang humupa pa. ang pang-aasar namin kay Ampie sa napakabilis niyang pagbabasa ng book 6.

ang mga taoong mamimimiss kong talaga!

then tears..
as i'll know, life without them would never be the same.