teenage angst

nakakainis. i hate having my period. it's bringing these emotions that i often dissmiss. and it is this dismissal of feelings that catches me always in the worst of all timings. one is nostalgia, two is craving and three, guilt.

nostalgia. nakakainis kasi nman i get this feeling na parang mayroon ako laging namimimiss. which is true. i can't even keep my mind straight on the things i have to do! shit! and another thing! it feels like i wait by my phone, by the computer and i don't even know what it is i am actually waiting for! God! i miss everything about school but i know on the back of my mind that tomorrow, i will come to school cursing it til the day end. what else, i hate how busy i am! i hate how i am so busy on days that i want to do so many things and be with so many people but then how i have nothing to do on days that i NEED to be busy! i hate how i have this feeling that somehow i am useless, that i am doing less than what i know i can do, less that what is expected! i hate how i expect too much of myself yet i know that the limitations i make does not satisfy me! i hate how i feel that i work below my minimum standard! i hate how it seems that nobody can understand me at all, that they can;t see past what i show them. i hate how each day, i look forward to something that's actually non-existent. i hate how distracted i am right now. because i know that i actually can move much better and definitely more efficient than how i do right now.

guilt. guilt follows. and it's not like i can even avoid the guilt. god knows how and what i am actually thinking riht now. how i am so god damned confused! how frustrating it is that it sems nobody can understand the way these things go for me! selfishness dammit!!!! selfishness!!! it;s what i actually here from them right now! can;t they even listen to me!!!! can they?!?!?!?!?!

look at me!

sometimes all of these just seem so damn impossible! how impossible all these are!!! understand me! see me!!! see past what i say,,, know how i actually feel..

try.. just try.

for one fleeting moment to be me.

classical

just before sleeping.

before i wrote here, i actually visited my site. it is very inapppropriate with however i feel right now. the site is to "childish" and i feel so stressed and loaded which does not jive with that mood.

i am actually listening to classical music. and somehow, i do like it! in a weird sort of way.

i am jsut thinking about the debate tomorrow. i hope i do a good job. i hope i really do. this is DEBATE. i hope we presnet well. i've been thinking of different ways to prove my point and disprove the opposing side's.

God. Guide me.

Amen.

sweetness, undeniably

it's been a long while since i last wrote. about almost 2-4 weeks ago. last time was the issuance of cards.

my new LSS is Neon by Spongecola. God. the song remains stuck in my head for centuries! i am telling the truth! it's like this past week, while doing all the quizzes at school, teh song in my head is Neon. like today, like this very moment.

"Cause I, I know i can never be enough
To replace your one ever.."

Ouch. hurts like hell. i have to say thanks to christopher for that LSS. the cd's courtesy of him. Tope's been very kind and sweet lately. grabe kung mambati, everytime na nakakasalubong. He(along with his band) played on the 3rd year math and science quizbee. it was the firts time i heard him play.and god, it was great! it's like the real thing! they even played my fave song, gemini (again by spongecola). he was playing teh guitar and he played divine! it was like spongecola being there. tapos, napakanta pa siya. ehehehehe.. ;)

spongecola is the best!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"why can't you see me like i see you?
can you feel me like i feel you?
can't you be with me tonight?"

--"Dragonfly"--

a rocking saturday

i am disappointed with myself. know why? because i know i did not do my best. i really did not. nagpabaya pa kasi ako. shit. no time for remorse anymore. i'll just make up so much for it in the next quarter. i promise that.

so anyway, after mum got my card, i was left at DLA. with jamie. we did nothing, shen and i did nothing for the preparations. she left at 12 as she had to go home by then as moira has a party. i was left there with jam and allan. we did nothing, just kwentuhan.

then, jam and i scouted all over town and country looking for 1.5 liter sodas when the stalls in front of DLA actulally have them. damn.

i arrived at LEBA late. lan was giving me the "late-ka-na-naman" look. i kept calling him "sir". leba officer eh.;)

i was at leba. nothing much to do then we had to go at the party. i did not wantto leave............. for reasons unmentionable. but...

as we went to teh church, kakagulat ang pangayayari.

should i say.,...
kakakilig. ;D gusto ko pa uli!!!!

a friday

this past week has been so TIRING. i don't know what is it with this semana, but i always find myself yawning.. sleeping on the service after dismissal, wanting to sleep early every night.. and the ultimate: sleeping last night and skipping procrastinating.

anyway, the week ends with tomorrow's IPTC. hahaha. just thinking about my card grades makes me laugh. ano kaya ang kahahantungan ko nagyong quarter?? di pa naman ako nagaral. sus! =P

so, anyway, new seating arrangements are assigned this week. i'll be showing youg guys what it looks like. but maybe not now. sooon. tinatamad aqng gumawa eh.

i am on the last of ALL rows. with sal and pao. baby nila aq. at! ini-educate sa mga salitang.. uhm... hindi moh maririnig pag ang kasama mo ay ang barkada ko. ung parte ng barkada ko na mga babae ha! kuha mo ba?!?!?! dapat lang no!

:D