nakakainis. i hate having my period. it's bringing these emotions that i often dissmiss. and it is this dismissal of feelings that catches me always in the worst of all timings. one is nostalgia, two is craving and three, guilt.
nostalgia. nakakainis kasi nman i get this feeling na parang mayroon ako laging namimimiss. which is true. i can't even keep my mind straight on the things i have to do! shit! and another thing! it feels like i wait by my phone, by the computer and i don't even know what it is i am actually waiting for! God! i miss everything about school but i know on the back of my mind that tomorrow, i will come to school cursing it til the day end. what else, i hate how busy i am! i hate how i am so busy on days that i want to do so many things and be with so many people but then how i have nothing to do on days that i NEED to be busy! i hate how i have this feeling that somehow i am useless, that i am doing less than what i know i can do, less that what is expected! i hate how i expect too much of myself yet i know that the limitations i make does not satisfy me! i hate how i feel that i work below my minimum standard! i hate how it seems that nobody can understand me at all, that they can;t see past what i show them. i hate how each day, i look forward to something that's actually non-existent. i hate how distracted i am right now. because i know that i actually can move much better and definitely more efficient than how i do right now.
guilt. guilt follows. and it's not like i can even avoid the guilt. god knows how and what i am actually thinking riht now. how i am so god damned confused! how frustrating it is that it sems nobody can understand the way these things go for me! selfishness dammit!!!! selfishness!!! it;s what i actually here from them right now! can;t they even listen to me!!!! can they?!?!?!?!?!
look at me!
sometimes all of these just seem so damn impossible! how impossible all these are!!! understand me! see me!!! see past what i say,,, know how i actually feel..
try.. just try.
for one fleeting moment to be me.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment