a tone of bitterness

an excerpt....

"i nod, looking at the way you hesitate to take my hand, resting so near yours. i know you have already gone. i will make it easy for both of us. i will not hope you will be back soon nor say that i wish i were going with you. instead, i will keep in mind that there is nothing between us anymore. it is just that the coffee is too warm, and i am so cold."

******

it sums it all up. in one damn paragraph. 6 months of emotion summarized in a whole paragraph. but kudos to mr. whoever who is now in canada, he left that for me. and i must say. with a tone of bitterness,that it is that how i exactly feel.

******

the invisible circus

it's really funny...

i spent my whole fourth year life wishing that i would pass UP. wish and pray.. tehn study.. and then the whole cycle again just before i take my UPCAT.

and by some stroke of luk, i did get lucky! i passed!

but in that time, it was more than my own hope that i would get to study in the premier state university in teh philippines. it's with a "past" i was aiming to avoid. long overdue confrontations i delay more, and issues of the heart i had denied since it happened. sometimes, or as truth would be much better in this moment, most of the time, the latter reasons were the truth. i live in cavite. my school would be in QC. the opposite ends of the metro manila pole. why not?

but then i realized... i dont want to fun from them anymore.

i'd like to say i have matured in the summer. (have i really?) but it is really because i had my dreams here. it is where they are planted anyway. and then the winds will just carry them wherever. here was where i first cried. why make an impact in a new place, when u havent made a difference in yours?

or was i looking for my own invisible circus?

it was that early cameron diaz movie. invisible circus. it is an adult funhouse phoeb. that was what she told her young sister...

my invisble circus? i guess it would be my escape to the reality i run from. a make believe dream i want to be true though in the moment it was. i guess that would be college. running away always seem to be the easiest option. but the easiest is not always the best.

remember june 1?

i have every other reason to forget that date. and every reason to love it... i used to say.. *******! finally! i can see you!! but then i guess, in the current situation, the only and best thing i will be seeing on that date would be the henna i so long for in my back.

that would be my invisible circus. some wear their hearts on their sleeves, some show their scars on those peircings. some choose to have it permanent. but i know (or at least i would like to think) that this is only a passing stage.

come june, i know everything would be different.

there would not be any math for my whole semester. there would be spanish speaking lessons day in day out. what a change! BUT I SWEAR, I WOULD MISS MATH!! it is that subject that i would understand. people may be hard to decipher, affairs of the heart may be difficult to uncover, boys would be hard to cope with, even the da vinci code is hard to unravel. but math.. ALWAYS MAKES SENSE. at least that is what i need. something. anything that finally made sense!

something to complain

it rained really hard in the last few days. i think it had been the first downpour this summer. and it really ahd to be on the time my heart was broken.

for a while there, i thought he could be at least somebody who will bring out something new. something to smile about. would you even believe i was stupid enough to think of JUNE 1 all of the time? ang galing no? master player. sheez.

so after my orientation last wednesday, after laughing my head off with that funny emcee in UP, i was gretted by a wet diliman campus as i went out of the se auditorium. everything was wet. the plants were extra green, the pavement was really dark. it was like seeing the campus in a whole new light, right after a tumultous thing with the heart.

i need space. really i do. but somehow i can't seem to have what i am looking for.. the space i need, the air i want to breathe. i'm going to college in a month, and i want to clear my mind for my own sake. i want t do my best there, and i know i cannot do that unless i would have my own issues cleared up. and i bet you a good hundred buck that it would not be done unless i am left alone for a while.

ayoko na..

grabe.. i cant believe this... isa na namang kasong... hay.. umasa sa wala.. had it been for the better?? hindi ko rin alam.. siguro dahil.. makakapagaral ako ng wala siya.. pero.. ewan.. masakit eh..