bday damn.

i wrotw this one, feb 17 2006. i just did not had time then to post it. so, here it is.

I’m not sure anymore where I actually stand. Well, if anybody would ask me this, I would never admit it. This is exactly where I do not want to end up., This is exactly the opposite of how I imagine myself to be. I do not want to be here. But life has always these surprises. I did end up here.

I want to end a pseudo-relationship. Or friendship. However he calls what we have, at a certain point. Enough is what I said. But then again. Looking back, I think it’s beneficial that I let it stay this way because how I imagined myself to be in a certain sense of happiness is not at all coming true. The happiness that I thought to be happiness is turning out to be a greater pain in my heart rather than joy.

Selfishness? Well, I must admit to that. I am not exactly generous when it comes to the matters of the heart. Why would I be? Why not too? Well, when it comes to friends, I always give way. At this rate, I do not care whether I graduate high school in a rather melancholy note. What’s weird is that I started this last school year dreading college. Leaving behind friends I know that are irreplaceable. Specifically one person. But as always, there is trouble in paradise, with my paradise turning out to be Dante’s inferno.

It’s my birthday this Sunday. I never felt more anti-birthday until my incoming sixteenth birthday. It could never be worst. I never thought he’d disappoint me. Well, come to the matter, isn’t it where it always starts? With me thinking that they would never disappoint me, and ending in the same way, with me being the one disappointed. A never ending story. A cycle. This is starting to become a routine now. Trust in men? It’s hard to do.

If tears would kill. I’m sure I am not writing this blog anymore. But what’s new right? It’s actually the same thing over and over again. And what do I do in between? I pacify my friends who are crying over their love lives. They have their own problems. I make theym feel alright. But where do I run, when it is me who cries? Do I actually have anyone to run to? It’s weird. If it’s karma that’s suppose to be taking care of that. Then karma does not actually exist does it?

I do not want to speak, here, see or actually be with him, or THEM at the moment. I’d kill time here right at home. I do not want to speak to any of them. I want to shut myself off the world. I think I do deserve a break. This ihas been going one for four years, growing worse this year and finally, just before I reach my sixteenth birthday, being the worst. For the record, I nearly drowned myself to my thoughts last night.