he did not

i guess this is it.
it calls me to an end.

i drank last night. we finshed the wine bottle opened last tuesday. i told everyone that i was to celebrate the pleasing UPCAt results in my part. but admittedly, it was only a mask.

FOUR YEARS. it has been four years. four years of playing cat and mouse, hide and seek, pretending that i could go on forever. but i guess, FOUR YEARS is enough. i thought that i was with him in this rocky ride. i was confident enough to face the world against us then; JUST BECAUSE I THOUGHT HE WAS THERE. but then. last night. i looked around my boat. and funny enough, the ride i thought i shared with him, the ride i confidently took inspite of all the waves because of him, was non existent. to make it more correct; the ride did exist but him being there did not.

how did i even made it through? only to see myself alone in the end. how did my patience allowed this to happen? and i know; he could not care less. come to think of it, did he ever cared? did he ever? had i ever heard him ask me how i was? how i am dealing with problems at school? how happy i am? how sad i am? when i cry, did he ever ask me why? did he ever bother knowing how i was doing? was he even attached? did he even tried to reach out? were oour conversations even half of what i thought it was? was he ever true to me?

it troubles me that last night, the answers to my questions are all NO. and that part of my life was a fantasy.

i cannot believe where i stayed since last night. i was in the center of a very big lie. i cannot believe that i settled for something second rated. ME! ME WHO PUSHES FOR THE BEST! i cannot believed i settled for being number two! i cannot believe i let myself believe that i am only second best! BECAUSE I WAS NOT! but then, his ways taught me that i was.

if my ego was with me, if it did not leave me four years ago, it would have slapped me HARD on the face just to wake me up in the false sense of LOVE and FRIENDSHIP i supposedly had been having with him for the past four years.

it was toxic. but friends never told me straight that it was. if they did, i never did listen. some of my so-called friends even pushed me to it. not even thinking how it was affecting me. i saw my grades deteriorating. i saw myself shrinking down low. but then, i did stop at some point. and last night, it was the end.

it was hard saying goodbye. because admittedly, i could have fallen at some point. it was a good thing that i did listen to my mom. or otehrwise, i could drown myself in a bigger mess. a bigger bull. it is 27 days until graduation. and i would get to that point. i will.

i thought i was strong. i thought i was miss iron, ready to take on any challenge. i was. i guess i am. and this is a reason why i accepted being second rated. becaue i was determined to see myself to the end. i needed to trip thousands of times before i realize what i really was to him. what it really was. what we really were. and what he really was. only to find myself saying in the end, that the answer all of the questions being NOTHING.

everybody asked the question. everybody wanted to know the answer. but not everybody had the answer. i am proud to say. that what i used to say is now in past tense. but who cares? why would they?

he did not.