to those who criticize what i do.

i feel guilty.

today, after the whole checking up on what i should be doing for aiesec (the org i am currently applying for) i decided to lok at the archives of my blog- one thing i have not done in years. and there a lot of things i could have done better in my high school life. a lot of regrets? DEFINITELY. but here are the things that we must get straightened out before you, or whoever you are with, start critiquing me again:

1. Regarding the "boy" Ampie was referring:
Yeah ok. I proved my point. the "boy" was just a friend. I am able to prove my point,. i was right, i was agan the winner, like what i always wanted, but this time, i felt so "hinayang" of what "could have been" if Ampie was right. That "boy" i realized, was more than just, ok. I think, in his own way, in that short span of time, he, more than anybody else, was able to get along with my mood swings, and know me more, much more than anybody else could have done. Pero di bale na rin. Just like what i told shena. These are "never had beens". bury them in the past. but then again, it is too hard! :(

2. Allan
Suprisingly, this time, i mentioned a name. for the sake of everyone who already read this, reads this blog, currently reading this entry and will be reading this entry, this is a name. and i am sure you can now connect him with eveyrthing else un named in the blog. but hint! this guy is different from the boy mentioned in number one.
here's the deal:
a. i want him, that bestfriend of mine, to be happy. I hope he is, i hope joanna is. :) this time, i think, it's enough of dwelling in the past, of dwelling in my "could have beens". i give them happiness.
b. i hated the guy. i won't deny that there was i point i ahted the guy. i guess up to know, there's that little part of me inside that hates the guy. i do not blame any one for this stand i take against allan. it was my choice to believe in them. no one coerced me into it and now i am taking full responsibility of my actions and my feelings. i am saying it loud and clear, i did hate him, and for whatever reason, it was my fault. (this honesty is so not me)
c. i now want space. some were shocked (alyanna to be specified) that i do not make an effort in reaching out to allan). i have now no bitterness at all. but i just want a time when i won't be criticized for what i do. i feel that in keeping a close friendship with allan, i am a goldfish in an aquarium and everyone has their own interpretation of my actions. friends of this, family of that, barkada of this and everyone else each has an opinion. everything i do is bad, everything is do is inappropriate and everything i do is malandi. i tried to live with it, i realized i can't and now i won't. i am born free. i am not born to listen to them and i will not do so.
d. any relationships i had, have and will have with other people has nothing to do with the allan issue. again, i repeat. i was born a free woman, no one can command me to love only one guy forever and definitely not one single entity in this world can tell me what to do. i do not, i repeat, i do not have friendships, relationships, or whatever you may want to call it, just to make your "hero" allan jealous. stop accusing me.

got that?

i hope this puts everyone in my life and those claiming to have a position in what i do in their proper positions.
amen.

to my beloved batch head

i actually am awe withyou. you were able to handle that kind of pressure, and you readily gave up lots of your free time to be a head of this batch, to lead us and to HELP us.

i have been hearing stories, believe me, and i attest to the fact that some of them are true (since i have been part of them). but hey, i understand you underwent a lot of pressure being the batch head. you, more than all of us, are constantly under critization from all the mebers you, more than any of us, is vulnerable to breakdowns and i admire your for not succumbing to any of them. you, i admire more than anythng else my dearest batch head, all because of these things.

i was happy of being an applicant to this org. i do not think i made any wrong decisions at all, not in any form. if there was even one hitch though, it would all be because of what you did to me yesterday.

let me remind you, my batch head, that most of your responsibilities are to your co-apps. we, as your co-applicants, should also help you in return. do not give me the bullshit that we had our shotrcomings. because you do not have the audacity to do so, because even you, my oh-so perfect batch head is flawed, in the worst way possible. again, in my 1st statement your responsiblities, more than anything is to lead us. to lead someone is to guide someone, and to guide someone in more crude terms is to help someone. while veryone is helping each ther in the sigsheets, aren't you supposedly one of those persons who would help us with it, specifically if it is your buddy we are asking to sign your sigsheet. you know what you should have done? you should have told me right there and then what i needed, or at least, this is what i expect of you to do, because this is what we all were doing, what we all should be doing. rememeber what members said? "magtulungan kayo". you should not have waited for your buddy to nudge you and tell you, "tulungan mo siya". hindi ba mas nakakahiya yon? you should have known that. no, it is not cheating, because the sigsheet is not a test, the sigsheet was to help us know the members and to exercise our teamwork. this was what this was all about. thi sis not about recognition, who does what better, who is closest to anyone else.

maybe it's time you rethink these things. you are not the star of our batch, nor is anyone else, we are here as a team, and in a team, no one is above others, each one is equal, in opportunities and recognition.

then again, this is just my opinion, maybe it would not matter to you. but at least, i am saying this in the open.

signed,
a co-applicant

isang alternatibong sigaw ng kalayaan

ibigay na lang daw kasi sa kanya yon...

sa totoo lang,kahit naawa ako sa sitwasyon niya, nila, pero higit sa lahat, niya, ayokong ibigay ang isa niyang hinihingi, kahit na iyon pa ang kahuli-huluing hingin niya sa akin, sa amin, sa kaniyang nakakataas. ayokong maging masaya siya, ayokong magsaya sila. ayokong makikita sila. hindi sa panahon na ganito ang iniisip ko.

hindi naman kasi madali ang ginawa ko, ang ginagawa ko ang gagawin ko pa. mataps ng lahat, ganoon na lang pala basta itatapon. cguro, marahil, baka nga, nagkulang daw ako sa ginawa, sabi noong isa. pero sa totoo lang, wala na akong pakialam, tapos na ako sa lugar na un, sa puntong iyon at sa mamaari pa ni;lang ipunto sa akin. tapos na ang gabing iniiyakan ko ang isang walang kwentang lalaki, isang walang kwentang bagay at isang walang kwentang damdamin. wala namang patutunguhan, iaaral ko na lang lahat ng ito.

pero hindi ibig sabihin noon, isa ako sa maglalaban para sa kanila. Ha! asa! sa ngayon, titiningnan ko muna siyang umiyak, sila na maghirap at sila na magdusa. para alam nila kung anong eksaktong sinasabi nila. wala akong pakialam kung hindi patas. dahil hindi rin naman patas ang ginawa niya. wala akong pakialam kung masakit, masakit din naman ang ginawa niya, wala akong pakialam kung umiiyak sila, siya, gabi gabi, dahil umiyak din naman ako kagabi. ngunit ganito pa man, hindi ko na sila sinisisi. napatunayan naman niya, nila, na gusto nila ang ginagagawa niya. naiintindihan kong masya siya, sila, pag siya at sila ang magkasama, natutuwa ako [pag nakikita ko silang ngumunigiti, sabay.

pero ngayon, hangga't humhingi pa sila ng kalayaan, pagtatwananko muna ang bawat luha, sakit na naramdaman nila. kahit na nasasaktan ako pag naiisip ko na nakakaawa ang lagay niya at nila. naawa ako. hidni ako manhid. pero dahil hindi ako manhid, galit pa rin ako.

kaya sige, sumigaw ka, kayo. isigaw niya ang kalayaan niyo. dito lang ako sa UP, pagtatawan ko muna ang bawat sigaw niyo

the waterloo

Today, after last night's editing, revising and then repeat again of a paper I should have done a week ago, I woke up at 8 30 that left enough time for idle lying around. Since I had nothing else to do, I looked at some old (relatively old) pictures in my computer.

I came across this person's pictures. This person, let’s name him WL (for Waterloo); WL has only 1 picture on my computer that I actually liked, the one in his solo. The rest of it has his hands up in the air in either the left and right direction with his head facing the same way as the hands, which to me is really, really stupid.

His solo picture represented him in the best way I wanted to remember him. His neck was bent in a 20 degree angle, enough to give his face a three quarter view but still a full access on his face. His back was slightly resting on the wall and he had his hands on his pants pocket. He has his gafas on that added meaning in his eyes (I always insist he should wear them). His mouth was half smiling and half frowning, in its perfect combination, enough to make them pout just a little and bring out the pink in the lips.

I always thought of him as my standard of beauty. His vanity would always marvel me, how he painstakingly shop for all his clothes spending hours and hours, nothing I can see with all my guy friends. He would always make sure everything in his outfit goes perfectly well, and that each them should follow, if it be sporty, casual, or formal. Don't get him wrong. I don’t think he’s not gay (although my mother says that he is). Every time he reaches for his bag, he would reach for his perfume and spray it all over himself. Not only that, he just had to have the perfect accessory to go with his clothes, or else, he would not go out of the house. (Wait! He is gay. :P)

He would always be my standard of love. Each time some guy approaches me, I would always think if this guy could come near what he did for me, or better yet, what he did not do for me. Every time I would feel he neglects me, I always approach some boy who in turn would gladly avenge my feelings and I would go laughing if he gets hurt about the whole matter. It’s the perfect revenge. It's hatred in its finest.

Somehow along the way, I got deceived by the many people around me, believing in things I should not have believed in, that I fell in love with WL. He is indeed Waterloo, my personal Waterloo. I believed he loved me, as my friends, his friends would tell me. I believed we looked good together. For me, we were the perfect couple. That trance that I thought was love shook me out of studying hard and dreaming all day of what could be in our future, our kids, our house, our life together. My grades were not failing, but I was not as good as before. Everyone saw the change. They pointed out the life in my eyes, but they never did point out my academic standing. In the role of high school in my life, academics took second to my love life.

All my dreams with him, as influenced by the people around me, soon grew bigger and bigger. My balloon of our future was the epitome of our perfect life; it was greater than anything I was doing at that time and I hardly gave attention to my studies. I was going out of my way to reach out to him and get him to tell me what he really felt. I was doing everything imaginable, both desperate and sly. Until such that time that my waterloo fell in love with somebody else and he flamboyantly showed it to everyone, something he never did for me. My balloon of him and myself together burst, like the gum of many cartoon characters. Everything was again back to the thoughts of the heavens.

I envied the girl as she could appreciate every little thing that he is. Every quirk, vanity and irk that I hated, she loved. She even allowed his gafas to be absent from him face, the way WL likes it. For her, the absence of the gafas showed his face more. For me, the absence of the gafas showed his face alright, along with his other facial problems. For her, his acnes were part of him, but for me it was something that should be zapped! Fast. His grammer I laugh behind his back, she patiently corrects him, his shortcomings I easily get mad at, she easily forgives them. He was not on the top of my priority list, hhe was on hers. After years of being with him through out our years together, I did not believe in his promises, she on the other hand, did.

The pain or forgetting all our dreams was one that I did not remember in any extent. It’s endorphins I guess. After the first time I cried, nothing more added up to it. It is only until now, finally, that I am able to write logically (was it?) about him, without the anguish anymore, without pointing all fingers to him, and accepting that part of it was my fault.

Looking again in his photograph, I zoomed in his face. It's still the same thing. No matter what she says, he looks bad without the gafas and good with it. Thinking about it, maybe they are indeed for each other. If she can accept him without the gafas on and I cannot, his must be a sign.

stories of the food

*groaning* my stomach is aching.

i had just finished stuffing myself to death. it started last night with that bopis from baliuag. i was so full i can barely stand. i ate more than half of the container. well, if i think about it, i could actually finish the whole thing but since ate kat has not eaten yet, i have to give some. i also did only one chore that night-wasing the dishes. afterwards, i am basically back to lying in my oh-so soft bed that compensated the humidity in our boarding house, and at the same time, i barely studied. at about 10, i was snoring myself to sleep, a dreamless one and woke up, officialy at 8.

at this point, ate kat was no longer at the boarding house nor was tita annie. just before she left, tita annie told me i could finish the rest of the bopis and steamed rice from last night that my cousin did not eat. being the kind neice that i am, i put about one and a half rice and a whole serving of bopis straight to my stomach, leaving me with a big stomach ache.

guess what? it did not end there.

after my first class, since i had 30 minutes left, i bought a lumpia and gulfed it down too. since i was feeling guilty about inhaling all those food, i paired lumpia with good ol' water. i went up til cnb's 4th floor, after thirty minutes of waiting for my apparently absent professor, i went to katag and then pleased myself with the palabok. feeling bored and the pressure of things i have to do, i went back to the boarding house.

back there, i also ate (which is not surpirising at this moment) again. this time, i pleased myself with cornik and mani that my tita brought form the province. i opened the package, and i reached half of it by the time i decided to stop. at 4:30, i was feeling qoozy so i slept till 5 30. i went to makati and went back home together with my mom. here at home, i ate about 3 helpings of ginisang munngo and fired fish with the SUPER hot steamed rice.

and at 10pm, my stomach turned upside down.

cries of a fat girl

in the spirit of change, mainly because of my new scholarly development, i decided to shift my wardrobe. suddenly, i wanted to wear skirts, and finally my mother hailed, "she's a girl!" this change has been going on for a month now when i decided to show this change to a friend. in a dinner she invited me to in one of the nearby malls in my hometown, i decided to dress in the most girly fashion known to man, or at least, man meaning her. she pushed me a good 5 feet away from her and toldme, "lumayo ka sa akin,mukha akong katulong mo, skirt skirt ka pa kasi." at this point,i'm elated,becausei did assume that she likes what i am wearing.

so what's my problem you may ask?
here's the problem.

we walked around the whole mall, which took a good 5 minutes or less, of our time when she (or was it i?) got hungry. we went to this japanese fast food and ate. in the middleof eating, she looked at me and said, "pa skirt-skirt kapa,eh ang laki laki mo naman." my eyes widened, i stoppped in halfway of shoving a spoon to my mouth and looked at her hard, trying to burn a hole in her mind like what Scott in X-men does,just to stop myself from pushing her face to her hot steaming molo soup. i wanted to slap the friend. seriously. but i didnn't,not because i did not have the guts, it's because of my respect for the outfit. i'm afraid i might ruin it with the strength of the slap i'm about to give her.

so i smiled at her, and continued shoving the scrumptious tempura down my throat to keep me from strangling the bitch.

why bitch?

1. she's a girl.
2. as a girl, for her age and height, she is fat.(*grudgingly* like me)
3. she is supposedly friend
4. she thought she had the audacity to make this remark,only because she is wearing jeans.
5. she simply is just one.with that comment of hers.

i may be, no, i am seriously fat. i know that, i am at the same time tall and fair complexioned that my stupid brother fondly calls me a household pig. i spend 15 minutes in the table every meal gulfing down anything that pleases my palate then proceed to spending the rest of the day reading and reading on the many books i want to read. i rarely exercise,i rarely walk but i always sleep. my body is full of extra skin (and fat tissues) that should not have been ithere in the first place. my eyes disappear whenever i smile because of my fat cheeks. i could eat six times a day or more if i am depressed.when i shop, i perenially ask for the largest size possible and pants had been in 32 (or was it 34?) for since adolescence kicked in. i cannot shop in the kamiseta because their clothes are up to large only, although i really love their clothes.

but who cares? i can wear anything i want to wear.

if people around me, in the same size as i am do not want to wear girly clothes because they're "TOO BIG",it's their problem,not mine. if they would rather walk the streets in long long long pants and shirts because this hides their figure, let them deal with it. real women have curves, in the right and wrong places. i should be allowed to eat what i want and allowed to wear what i want. to hell with everybody! they should even be imitating me in the first place.

past and the present

Look. It's a friend's birthday soon ( I want to eliminate the date, in case he/she sees my blog). It's been a month since we last talked. It's been four days sine I last saw him (we did not talk, because it seems he did not see him. Hah! As if. If really did not, I am pretty sure he heard of it somewhere that I was there. Well, may be not. But who cares?

Well, if you ask me, I really do not understand myself. At all. In any given circumstance, I would not understand what I am complaining about. In the first place, I wanted this, did not I? I wanted to be left alone for college. I wanted to live a life away from the seeming problems I had in higschool. And because of this, I pushed him away. Sa kakatulak ko, I got what I wanted which of course was not what I really want in the first place.

Looking back, I feel like I was such a bitch, pushing him, pushing him, pushing him. God. I did not know it was this hard. I did that for my friends. Para wala ng gulo. They kept having these issues about him. And there you go. Dahil pinagbigyan ko sila, ayan tuloy, ako nahihirapan. I wish I did not listen to them. Maybe I would have had a much better life now. Maybe right now, I was still talking to him. Maybe.

To all those who are in a similar boat, go ahead and live your own life, do it your way. Wag gagaya sa akin. Otherwise, you will end like me. Hanging on all the what could have beens.

Pathetic.


I don’t want to stay in QC this Friday. It's already the annual UPCAT this coming Saturday and it will definitely be MAJOR TRAFFIC.

I’m excited for my friends who’s taking the UPCAT. I cant get enough of giving them advices. I just want them to be here next year. Papadamihin naming ang mga binhi ng DLA. :P hehehe. Since Monday, I've been giving advices to Hez and Ampie. I hope it helps though. I just want them to be here next year. And by them I mean even those not mentioned. Galit ako sa mga hindi mentioned. (uuy, bitterness).


It's Ranen's birthday on the twelfth!
Galingan mo pagpaplano Jo!!! :D


You can't have everything that you want. That's for sure.

Another friend has kept in touch a few days ago. (reading the message, I was hoping it was the other hindi na namamansing friend, but no…). here's his text message.

Last night, I had a dream about you. We were in a room together with our friends and if I am right in that dream it was the last time we were going to see each other. Deep inside me, I wanted to hold you. I wanted to be with you one last time but I was just too afraid to let them see it, afraid that they might give it another meaning. But it's the last time, I told them to get out of the room, and leave you and me alone. They did not mind me, so I shouted. And then, they left us. I cannot seem to remember what I told you in my dream, but I cried my heart out and hugged you for the first and last time.

That has been edited. I took off the redundancies and other grammatical errors. So there. What do you think?

Thanks to the one who gave me that sms. As I told you, it was deeply appreciated.