to those who criticize what i do.

i feel guilty.

today, after the whole checking up on what i should be doing for aiesec (the org i am currently applying for) i decided to lok at the archives of my blog- one thing i have not done in years. and there a lot of things i could have done better in my high school life. a lot of regrets? DEFINITELY. but here are the things that we must get straightened out before you, or whoever you are with, start critiquing me again:

1. Regarding the "boy" Ampie was referring:
Yeah ok. I proved my point. the "boy" was just a friend. I am able to prove my point,. i was right, i was agan the winner, like what i always wanted, but this time, i felt so "hinayang" of what "could have been" if Ampie was right. That "boy" i realized, was more than just, ok. I think, in his own way, in that short span of time, he, more than anybody else, was able to get along with my mood swings, and know me more, much more than anybody else could have done. Pero di bale na rin. Just like what i told shena. These are "never had beens". bury them in the past. but then again, it is too hard! :(

2. Allan
Suprisingly, this time, i mentioned a name. for the sake of everyone who already read this, reads this blog, currently reading this entry and will be reading this entry, this is a name. and i am sure you can now connect him with eveyrthing else un named in the blog. but hint! this guy is different from the boy mentioned in number one.
here's the deal:
a. i want him, that bestfriend of mine, to be happy. I hope he is, i hope joanna is. :) this time, i think, it's enough of dwelling in the past, of dwelling in my "could have beens". i give them happiness.
b. i hated the guy. i won't deny that there was i point i ahted the guy. i guess up to know, there's that little part of me inside that hates the guy. i do not blame any one for this stand i take against allan. it was my choice to believe in them. no one coerced me into it and now i am taking full responsibility of my actions and my feelings. i am saying it loud and clear, i did hate him, and for whatever reason, it was my fault. (this honesty is so not me)
c. i now want space. some were shocked (alyanna to be specified) that i do not make an effort in reaching out to allan). i have now no bitterness at all. but i just want a time when i won't be criticized for what i do. i feel that in keeping a close friendship with allan, i am a goldfish in an aquarium and everyone has their own interpretation of my actions. friends of this, family of that, barkada of this and everyone else each has an opinion. everything i do is bad, everything is do is inappropriate and everything i do is malandi. i tried to live with it, i realized i can't and now i won't. i am born free. i am not born to listen to them and i will not do so.
d. any relationships i had, have and will have with other people has nothing to do with the allan issue. again, i repeat. i was born a free woman, no one can command me to love only one guy forever and definitely not one single entity in this world can tell me what to do. i do not, i repeat, i do not have friendships, relationships, or whatever you may want to call it, just to make your "hero" allan jealous. stop accusing me.

got that?

i hope this puts everyone in my life and those claiming to have a position in what i do in their proper positions.
amen.