Cry From The Sea

I was drowning.

Ironically though, I was unaware that I of that situation. I though that I was just walking in the water. In my mind, I was enjoying the coolness of the water and the comfort of the situation. I was as innocent as a child taking refuge in what I thought would be good for me. But I suddenly felt that the water was getting inside my nose already but I ignored it, I thought I was imagining things. I continued walking, enjoying the sea, enjoying the night. The water was getting inside my nose now, I was having a hard time breathing, but I was too busy taking convincing myself that I knew what I was doing. I was telling my brain that I know when to stop, and now was not yet the time. But I was nearly dying, I was just too busy to notice.

I was drowning. I never noticed. The people around me did, but they never managed to tell me straight up.

They were there too, in the same water as me. They had their eyes on where I was going. I knew they were watching. In fact tehy knew excatly where I was going. But they were too busy watching me that they did not notice that I was drowning, that the water was going inside my nosee, that I could no longer breathe, that I could practically disappear under the soft waves of the ocean that night. Theyw ere too busy watching the top of my head, thinking again that I was fine that I knew what was happening to me.

Soon, you joined us in the water. I welcomed the intrusion albeit the people around me didn't. You were someone new so I was intrigued. I moved from the spot, voluntarily. I went near you, keeping a few meters of the water between us. I moved a meter, you took the ones left. After a while, I lost interest, I decided to go deeper in the water.

I walked further, my knees were under the waves until I could almost taste the salt of the water in my mouth. When I looked back, I see you followed my lone journey. I looked behind you, the same people were there and they never moved an inch.

It was not long before until the water covered the entirety of myself, then again, I was not awares. I always thought that the salt in the water I was forced to drink was normal. I was drowning myself, but I never knew what I was doing. But you did. You never forced me out of that spot though. You slowly lead me to a shallower part of the sea. Slowly. I suddenly found myself back to the shore.

I was enjoying myself on the shore and I never realized that I do, not until that time. It was a relie not drink the salt and residues of the sea. The air was fresh and everything was simple and plain. It was never this beautiful. I never thought it could be beautiful, if at all. You seem to know that it was what I needed. You always dutifully complied. I could never say it. But I am thankful. I was thankful. It took me a long time to realize I was back to the shore but I was thankful. I never get to tell you, so I am telling you know.

Again, I am taking the same trip down the sea. I know I cannot step on the same river twice. I am in the same situation, albeit not on the same spot. I know I am drowning now. I am aware and I am forcing myself to realize it alone. You are still beside me. This time though, I am not so sure. Are you here to help me back to the shore again, or are you the one drowning me this time? I do not have answers for my questions. I do not know how to proceed.

So I will do this the best way I can cope. I am going out of this water. I will force my head above the wave no matter how much I seem to enjoy it. I am shaking myself to consciousness. Forgive me. I cannot let things happen twice. Prevention is better than cure.

I learned my lesson once. Once is definitely enough for pain. I would not feel the pain again. Not on the same sea, on the same wave, on the same time. I will go ahead of you. No matter how we enjoy the sea. I will get out. I will leave you out here looking at the moon. Don't go looking for me. I will never tell you why. I believe you can figure it out for yourself. You are logical, did not you say so? The situation calls for very little of that logic. You need to find it out for yourself.

You'd never find where I went. You'd neer see me in the same see, under same stars saying those same words. I need to be alone for a while just until I know what I want, what I want for myself, from you and from this sea under the same wave. Until you know what you want for your own, and from me and you distinguish a very clear line. Not one condition less.

So goodbye. Good bye to the sea, to the wave, to stars and to you. Until then.